Grustration

I was going to title my first post gratitude and frustration, but I’m tired, so I wasn’t really focussed and I typed Grustration my mistake. Fortunately, this captures my feelings perfectly.

Welcome, dear reader. Whether you know me or you are a complete stranger, I hope that my writing about healing and hurting can help you in some way. Whether you are experiencing similar struggles, whether someone in your life is, or whether you just want a window into a reality that may be different from your own, here I am.

I which so easily from one to the other. There’s much to be frustrated about and much to be grateful. This very moment is a good example. I am typing this with voice to text because looking at a screen quickly tires me out. My boyfriend is cooking me dinner because I’m too tired to cook tonight. Already, there’s gratitude and frustration. I am surrounded by kind people who loved me enough to cook me a healthy meal. I am too tired to cook for myself. I am in my beautiful apartment, which someone else is paying for right now. I’ve been in my apartment all day because I am exhausted, so I feel like a prisoner. One in a high-class prison, to be sure, but that feeling being trapped is still present.

All around me are people living and dying, getting married and getting diagnosed with cancer, celebrating and starving, feeling joy and feeling sorrow. I am somewhere in the middle. For me, there is a path out. I know there are people who have brain surgery and are never the same. Some people relearn to walk and talk and even eat. Some people lie in their beds all alone. I received more love in those days at the Neuro than some people receive their whole lives. Even among patients going in for brain surgery, there are so many levels of fortune.

There is hope, and there are days that I taste freedom. I am present in the moment, relaxed and content, There are days that I scream and cry and rage at 2oclock in the morming too. I don’t want to lie to you about that. But those days pass.

Slowly, I dig myself out from this hole. I make my ascent.